The Journey

March 31, 2015

Change happens, we all know that. It's part of a journey. Having a new baby, getting married,  are all a journey in themselves.  However, one of the hardest journeys I've had in the past few months is breastfeeding.

Some people are lucky and everything works wonderfully for them. That was not the case with me. On the 9th of April, I will be able to say that I made it three months of (mostly) exclusively breastfeeding.

I made the decision to breastfeed bugs when I was pregnant. I had tried with Monkey, but only made it about a three months. It might have been a bit more but it wasn't very long that's for sure. Monkey had acid reflux, I was 20, when back to work, and didn't have a lot of support and when the first growth spurt hit I was done. My journey with Bugs has been completely different.  This is not to make other's feel bad, not by any means. Heck I gave in and gave Monkey formula and he is fine... in fact with his recent visit to the doctor for the stomach plague that ravaged the house, was only the third sick visit in his life! So I understand those that give the babies formula. I have been there.  One of the main reasons I wanted to breastfeed Bugs was because of the cost effective of it. I wanted to stay home. I really really wanted to stay home. But being on one income I knew was going to be hard. However, if I breastfed I knew it would help out tremendously not to mention the health benefits for Bugs.

I thought that it would be easy, wow I was in for a surprise. Let's start with the fact that I had a repeat C-Section. So that meant that my mobility was limited because,well... I was cut from one side to another. I had an iv in my left hand connected to fluids and pain medication (safe for breastfeeding). In my right hand I had a second IV (just incase they needed it... something the hospital required). I was cut with staples in my stomach, a catheter, and the weird leg compression things. Moving around sucked so bad. I felt like I was going to hurt the baby or that he was in a weird position. However the next day when I got most of it removed it got better and I thought hey this is great. I didn't know that his latch was wrong.

When I came home two days later I knew that I was having a hard time, but I didn't think much of it. My whole body was in pain from the surgeries (I had a double whammy... csection and a tubal) so my breast hurting wasn't a big deal. At least it wasn't until Bugs spit up a bit of blood. Immediately me and B freaked out. I started taking his temperature and B got on the phone with our moms. My mother, thank the lord for her, asked to see if I was bleeding...sure enough the nipple was. She talked me through the fact that the baby had swallowed the blood and that's what he spit up. She talked me though how to make it better and how to get him better latched. I did the best I could, but it was still hurting a lot.

A few days later the four of us gathered our stuff and went to my Nana's. B was going back to work, I still had my staples and on pain medicine (once for breastfeeding) so we were going there to have help with me. I felt like a giant baby during the whole process.  Anyway between my mother and Nana, who both breastfed they coached me and it got better until a growth spurt. The first growth spurt, I thought I was going to go crazy. Bugs wanted to eat for hours at a time, almost constantly. I even had to *try* giving him a little formula. Which didn't work out because he refused to eat it..but I tried. Eventully I healed and he got better with his latch.  However we still have our days that aren't great.

But we are making it, because I was determined too. I also had the help of my husband who still makes sure I'm comfortable when I feed, and that I have water. Which had made me realize having support is probably the best thing to have while trying to breast feed. It's having someone there to say you are doing good or helping you prop up pillows. I will say it is an awesome feeling, to know that I've accomplished three months of something so important to me as well.  It is a journey, I learn a little more about everyday.


March 19, 2015

As my previous post shown I was quickly outnumbered by the arrival of Bugs. He became the third boy in the home and the fourth when my stepson is there. But I want to back up and talk about the day we found out he was a boy.

From the moment we found out we were going to have another baby, we prayed for a girl. Literally prayed, every night, for a girl. We wanted a girl. In fact the day we left to have our ultra sound we even had a name picked out, because we just knew it was going to be a girl. Her name was going to be Kenna Marie.  I had all the old-wives tales signs for a girl..

We took Monkey with us, to enjoy the moment with us. He sat patiently in B's lap as we waited in the waiting room. Finally my name was called, and we went back. The technician put the fabulous cold gel on my stomach and B kissed my forehead and Monkey held my hand.  The instant the ultrasound started, Bugs "man part" showed on screen. The technician laughed and said "Well there goes the surprise... it's a boy!" She smiled and I smiled.... although, honestly, at that moment I didn't want to smile. B's face even dropped when we found out.

It's not that we weren't happy the baby was healthy... it wasn't that at all. We were still thrilled that our baby was here, healthy and growing. We were sad. It was like our idea of a perfect family was gone...just like that. Monkey on the other hand was thrilled at the news. The rest of the ultrasound was strange...the news had shocked us both.  There wasn't a lot said. We left, with pictures in our hands, still in mostly silence and didn't say much. Our phones were both blowing up from our families trying to see what the baby was going to be.  We couldn't answer them... I felt like a disapointment. I knew that this was our last baby, there wasn't going to be another.

The decision to not have another one had been made early in the pregnancy by us both.  B would be 40 when Bugs was going to be born already and didn't want anymore because of that reason. I didn't want to have another because this would be my second c-section at 24, and I didn't want my body to go through another one. (It's a good thing because my body probably couldn't take another.) We also didn't want to have four boys running through the house either.

When we found out it was a boy, many of my dreams had been crushed. In that split second dreams of bows and dresses went flying out the window. I realized I would never witness my daughter give birth, watch her get married, or braid her hair. I would never hear how my daughter looked like me,and how I would never get to pass on the family name of Marie. B realized much of the same and that he would never have a "daddy's girl".

We felt bad for not being happy,but partially because our families had wanted a girl just as much. We felt like we had let them down somehow, that we were going to disappoint them with the news of another boy. All of these emotions had hit us like a semi-truck in the few hours we were at the hospital.  Walking to the car though was when everything changed.

Monkey held our hands, happy to be a big brother. He spoke of showing the baby how to play with trucks and trains, he said he'd show him how to watch movies and they would be able to take baths together.  He reminded us of the positive things and all that we would be gaining. We started talking about how we would have so much sport equipment we would probably look like a gym, and how the boys would be so cute growing up together.  Monkey told us that he had "awesome" parents, and that the baby would too. But he looked up to B and asked him, "I'll still be your big boy?" B told him of course he would, realizing that even though he didn't have a daddy's girl... he already had a daddy's boy for sure. See he isn't Monkey's biological father, so they chose each other and that is a powerful thing. I know, because it happened to me.  After B realized this he quickly came to my side, telling me he wasn't upset. He started reminding me of all the positive things just as Monkey had. It didn't take long for the gender disappointment to fade, and we started telling the family.

Now that Bugs is two months old. We wouldn't change it for anything. He is amazing, and funny. He is more beautiful than I could have imagined and we love him so much it's unrealistic. He fit into the family perfectly. I wouldn't trade him for the most beautiful girl on the planet. I've always heard that God doesn't give us want we want... he gives us what we need, and it's true. I didn't think that we wanted a boy...but now that we have I don't want a girl. I like being the only girl in the house, I get to be Queen :D B likes knowing that should something happen to him, that he'll have boys that can help their momma when needed.

It was amazing the emotions that we felt in those quick minutes that passed us that day. I don't feel ashamed for them, because they couldn't be helped.  We went from being sad to googling at the ultrasound pictures and laughing at how he already seemed to have my facial features and B's long arms.  God know's what he is doing... even if we don't think it is what we want.

Completing The Circle

March 16, 2015

Soon after B proposed I immediately started wedding plans. David's Bridal was having their annual sale and I'm a girl that loves a bargain. With that being said I bought my gorgeous dress in mid January, with the intentions of weight loss that I was already progressively working on.  My dress was gorgeous and I was more then happy to be marrying the man of my dreams. Around this time, we also set the date for August 7, 2014.

In April, B and I went and grabbed a bite to eat from a restaurant and I quickly got sick. I was sick almost all night long. Food poisoning I just knew it. It was awful. May 24 is Monkey's birthday, and we started planning for it in April. A week before his birthday, I just knew something was wrong. I was sick all the time, and I would want to sleep all day long. Getting up the courage to take a pregnancy test, my life changed once again for the second time.

22 (almost 23) and about ready to deliver
I told B in a horrible way. He had been weed eating and opened the door to ask for a glass of tea. That's all, poor soul. I had just taken the test and unloaded on him about it. Telling him I was pregnant, panicking, and didn't know what we would do.  He immediately kissed me and we already knew there was no choice but to keep the baby, the only question was how would it affect the wedding. Would my dress fit? Would I be sick? Would I be showing?  Slowly we told those around us. It wasn't that we were ashamed it was that we didn't want people believing this was the only reason we were getting married, and it wasn't. We had been engaged for months prior to this.

I lost weight because of how sick I stayed for 4 very long months. I seriously survived on fried gas station food, that was all that would stay down for some reason. The baby decided to stay mostly in the back and so back pain was a constant during the pregnancy. Unlike Monkey's my pregnancy was pretty well. Even for the wedding. I was sick, but thankfully it had calmed down some. The wedding did go off without a hitch, and it was a beautiful day. We celebrated and have loved being married.

The day we found out we were having a boy, was a lot of mixed emotions. However, that's another long story for another day. I knew that I was headed for another repeat C-Section, and soon our baby boy would be in our arms. It was a pretty easy pregnancy, with only pain in my back because he refused to get off of my spine and a pretty bad case of the allergies everything was perfect.

January 9, 2015. We arrived at the hospital at 6 a.m. The nurses and all were very sweet and helpful and everything was going according to plan, in fact they even got me into the OR early. With B holding my hand the entire time, even while I felt like a elephant was sitting on my chest,  our boy came into the world at 8:39 a.m.  His beautiful  cries filling the room, and I was just thankful it was less traumatic then Monkey's. B took pictures and was so excited to show him off to the family.  Bugs was born at 7 lbs 12 oz and only 18.5 inches long ( a midget compared to Monkey). He had a head full of hair and had my nose and lips.  While he was being shown off and getting his first test from the nursery, I was being sewn up and really just wanted to sleep.

B was a perfect companion, husband, and friend during our stay at the hospital. The next morning was a bit rough because the surgery had left me with a lack of blood and my iron had basically bottomed out so two bags of blood had to be pumped through me, but it was all worth it every time my Bugs looked at me.

During his pregnancy, I had decided to have my tubes tied and babies from this girl would be finished.  I was and still am happy with the decision. I have two beautiful amazing boys and while that may make me outnumbered in the house, it certainly makes it exciting.   This isn't the life I thought I would have, but I'm certainly happy it was the life I was given.

The Scream

March 2, 2015

A first post is always hard. I've had several blogs since I was 13 years old, most of them only known to a few close friends. No matter how may times you start one, the first post is the hardest.

I am 24 years old, a mother to two wonderful boys, a wife, and a stepmother.  I started The Outnumbered Nest to become a sanctuary for me in this life. As my last child was born in January, I became very outnumbered in this house.   But before we get there let's start at the beginning of this story....

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