March 19, 2015

As my previous post shown I was quickly outnumbered by the arrival of Bugs. He became the third boy in the home and the fourth when my stepson is there. But I want to back up and talk about the day we found out he was a boy.

From the moment we found out we were going to have another baby, we prayed for a girl. Literally prayed, every night, for a girl. We wanted a girl. In fact the day we left to have our ultra sound we even had a name picked out, because we just knew it was going to be a girl. Her name was going to be Kenna Marie.  I had all the old-wives tales signs for a girl..

We took Monkey with us, to enjoy the moment with us. He sat patiently in B's lap as we waited in the waiting room. Finally my name was called, and we went back. The technician put the fabulous cold gel on my stomach and B kissed my forehead and Monkey held my hand.  The instant the ultrasound started, Bugs "man part" showed on screen. The technician laughed and said "Well there goes the surprise... it's a boy!" She smiled and I smiled.... although, honestly, at that moment I didn't want to smile. B's face even dropped when we found out.

It's not that we weren't happy the baby was healthy... it wasn't that at all. We were still thrilled that our baby was here, healthy and growing. We were sad. It was like our idea of a perfect family was gone...just like that. Monkey on the other hand was thrilled at the news. The rest of the ultrasound was strange...the news had shocked us both.  There wasn't a lot said. We left, with pictures in our hands, still in mostly silence and didn't say much. Our phones were both blowing up from our families trying to see what the baby was going to be.  We couldn't answer them... I felt like a disapointment. I knew that this was our last baby, there wasn't going to be another.

The decision to not have another one had been made early in the pregnancy by us both.  B would be 40 when Bugs was going to be born already and didn't want anymore because of that reason. I didn't want to have another because this would be my second c-section at 24, and I didn't want my body to go through another one. (It's a good thing because my body probably couldn't take another.) We also didn't want to have four boys running through the house either.

When we found out it was a boy, many of my dreams had been crushed. In that split second dreams of bows and dresses went flying out the window. I realized I would never witness my daughter give birth, watch her get married, or braid her hair. I would never hear how my daughter looked like me,and how I would never get to pass on the family name of Marie. B realized much of the same and that he would never have a "daddy's girl".

We felt bad for not being happy,but partially because our families had wanted a girl just as much. We felt like we had let them down somehow, that we were going to disappoint them with the news of another boy. All of these emotions had hit us like a semi-truck in the few hours we were at the hospital.  Walking to the car though was when everything changed.

Monkey held our hands, happy to be a big brother. He spoke of showing the baby how to play with trucks and trains, he said he'd show him how to watch movies and they would be able to take baths together.  He reminded us of the positive things and all that we would be gaining. We started talking about how we would have so much sport equipment we would probably look like a gym, and how the boys would be so cute growing up together.  Monkey told us that he had "awesome" parents, and that the baby would too. But he looked up to B and asked him, "I'll still be your big boy?" B told him of course he would, realizing that even though he didn't have a daddy's girl... he already had a daddy's boy for sure. See he isn't Monkey's biological father, so they chose each other and that is a powerful thing. I know, because it happened to me.  After B realized this he quickly came to my side, telling me he wasn't upset. He started reminding me of all the positive things just as Monkey had. It didn't take long for the gender disappointment to fade, and we started telling the family.

Now that Bugs is two months old. We wouldn't change it for anything. He is amazing, and funny. He is more beautiful than I could have imagined and we love him so much it's unrealistic. He fit into the family perfectly. I wouldn't trade him for the most beautiful girl on the planet. I've always heard that God doesn't give us want we want... he gives us what we need, and it's true. I didn't think that we wanted a boy...but now that we have I don't want a girl. I like being the only girl in the house, I get to be Queen :D B likes knowing that should something happen to him, that he'll have boys that can help their momma when needed.

It was amazing the emotions that we felt in those quick minutes that passed us that day. I don't feel ashamed for them, because they couldn't be helped.  We went from being sad to googling at the ultrasound pictures and laughing at how he already seemed to have my facial features and B's long arms.  God know's what he is doing... even if we don't think it is what we want.


  1. We had the same experience of sadness when we found out our 3rd was a boy. We were so sure he was a girl we picked out a name like you did (Aria) and when we found out our girl didn't exist it was like she died! I mean, not really, but it was finding out someone you love never existed. It was sad and bizarre and a little devastating... And I'm sorry for your loss in that way... It's hard to explain because you are still having a baby you're going to love but it's like a loss that it's kind of taboo to feel.... Thanks for writing about it so candidly. But congrats on your beautiful, healthy boy! And, hey, if it's any consolation there's always daughter-in-laws! :)

  2. Thank you. I believe a lot of women have felt it but feel guilty for the thought. I wanted to reassure people it happens. I wouldn't give anything for my boys. I won't lie and say when I look at the bows and all I kinda miss the idea of having a girl but then I see how much my boys love me...I couldn't ask for more. I also have a younger brother who I'm sure will have all girls haha and a one year old sister so I get to dress her up :)


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